Thursday is such a long way off. Do I want to know the results ? Do I want to sit here and type the deep darkness of my soul ? To Deep for Tears ?

The hardest part of acheiving your dreams is the thought that in a moment, In a minute and a second, you can lose all of it. I have struggled so hard to get where I am. Divorce, Custody, Moving to another country ,life and death, cancer <dare I say round 1?> near death at the hands of a surgeon, the holocuast of the first year in Gastric Bypass, the loss of sight in one eye that crippled me in ways I still can not relate And now here I am in the house of my dreams. A husband I adore and spend each moment of the time we are apart waiting for him to return. Two glorious duaghters too beuatiful for mere words. Talented and Brilliant in everything they do. Alisha poised to take flight in her spirit, Nicole on the verge of changing the Irish dance world into Her play ground. And Molly. My obssesion with Molly borders on near maddness. She has become the center of my very heart.

This very moment in time, I can close my eyes and fill my spirit with joy, I can sleep and wake knowing that it will be a perfect day. But then thursday will arrive. Will my life change ? Will I go from perfect to Chemotherapy yet again ? Fear consumes me even now as I struggle for the next line to write. I want things to stay the way they are. I do not have the reserve to fight yet another thing. Will this finally be the thing to break me in half ? To shatter into a trillion peices that no one can peice back together.

There is a place that I have lived, deep in the dark in the center of my soul. A place that no joy will touch, no sunshine to alight. A place that has become too deep for tears. A journey I have not taken in many years, but I feel on the edge of the luanch for it again.